Well, considering this isn’t a novel, but I enjoy writing, I will start where I feel it is proper to start. So, In the first chapter of my childhood that I can remember, I was living with my mother, and my dad would stop by almost daily to visit, which I didn’t like so much, why not? He was the one who would punish, and I got hit with a belt every single time I moved even the slightest bit out of line, and not just once, until it hurt.. and I was young, so I grew up to fear him, to get a distaste in my mouth whenever he was mentioned, or even around. I was raised more on what I couldn’t do, other than my strengths, and all my friends were older, like by a couple years, so I would sneak out late to sit with them out in the backyards. Never got caught thank God.
I can remember this one time though, my mother, bless her soul, she threatened she would call my dad, so I hid in the basement all day long, and I even fell asleep down there, and everyone had thought I went missing, till my mom checked the basement, and had found me. I guess they had a small search party out looking for me. So I grew up to have a rough relationship with my dad, and was a big momma’s boy.
Now, a little more than four years back, which feels like ages ago, my childhood friend, and my three quarters wolf, and quarter husky, Lubo, passed on, we had him since I was a youngin’, I miss him so very much, he could shake paw, he was the best, and he would howl every other night, and he is the reason wolves are my favourite animal ever.
He’s just a memory now, and not much after his death, my mom passed, yeah, the momma’s boy, who loved nothing more than his dog and mother had nothing. No income of love. Now, he has to move in with his dad.
I’m leaving out all the juicy parts though, when my dog passed, I cried in my dads arms, I was like, 12 maybe.. but he held me as I cried. When my mother died, he blamed it on me, he apologized after, but he blamed me. Saying it was my fault.
I now live with him, he isn’t abusive anymore, he yells, and we don’t socialize very much, but he still believes in tough love.. so I’m a whore, and a flirt, I always look for a girl, some girl to make me feel handsome, and to fill all these holes in my heart.
One thing I look for in a girl, she does motherly things, like reminds me to eat, I skip meals. She reminds me to sleep well, because I’m an insomniac, and she reminds me to behave, because I don’t function well all the time.
How does all this effect me to this day? Well, ever since than, I’ve contemplated suicide, every single God damn day of my life, self-harm was, and still sometimes is my best friend, I’ve become all smiles and warm when around people, I’m very compassionate, and very understanding, I love listening to people, and having them vent to me, but I lack love, and I feel so lonely all the time, I hate going to bed alone, and I really dislike not having a girl telling me they miss me, or that I’m handsome. So, I also suffer from depression.
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, I can only help others with there own. I usually end up disliking myself, but I usually shield the depths of my mind, with a unwillingly happy smile. To keep people from worrying, and keep everyone around me happy, which is my main goal, my purpose.
So, for the most part, that’s my past, those are my memories, please, keep them close to your heart, that’s all I ask of you.